POEMS by KERRY

AS USUAL...   THEN

I had another sleepless night as usual. I thought about my life and loss - as usual. In and out those years of fears, I fight to hold back sudden tears - as usual. Got out a book and read the end - as usual. Thought, I m going round the bend - as usual. I had another sleepless night and morning came and I dragged myself to work again - as usual. Out on the town and on the booze - as usual. Alcoholic remorse, so I had s snooze - as usual. Am getting used to being sad and still pretending to be mad - as usual. Back to my thoughts of being free - as usual, but life just torments little old me - as usual. I m sick of sadness in this world and all the millions war has killed - as usual. What is going on,  I think - as usual. Why does this world bloody stink - as usual. Flowers grow and bodies rot - in a world of peace that’s not - as usual. I look around in disbelief - as usual. I steal the days just like a thief - as usual. Morbid thoughts attack my mind and make me sad. God when will I stop feeling so bad - as usual. I cooked my tear and had a beer - as usual. I wiped my eyes as I shed a tear - as usual. I loved and lost and felt a heel, went out again and played the fool - as usual. Went on a pub crawl with the guys - as usual. Had my lows and my highs - as usual. Felt uptight and had a fight, got boozed and lost another night - AS USUAL.

Moment of truth.

(1977 Hospital insight.)

Life has been revealed to me.....and all these gifts of life are free.

In looking at myself I saw all my faults exposed and raw.

 I could not hide or run away and say "I ll look another day"

The time had come for me to see, the inside of the outside me.

No ones perfect I would say.

When I was at fault I ran away

And others blamed to rid myself of the guilt and inadequacies that I had.

I had to seek to find the truth

For long since had I lost my use.

In seeking I had to look inside and rid my heart of all false pride.

What had I done to feel so bad. I had lived a lie and felt so sad.

There was very little of the real me. People accepted an act that they could see.

I had to find out who I was. 

I must be accepted for myself, because.... If I’m accepted when I’m only a lie.

Then no one will know me and that real me will die.

So I searched and searched until I found, the real me behind the dreary sham.

I was afraid of the me I saw inside.

But from the truth revealed I could not hide.

I was an insecure, lonely, lost little child.

I was angry, rejected, meek and mild.

I was unlovable no, deprived, misunderstood and bad.

I felt exposed, alienated, confused and so sad.

There was nothing I liked in me that I met but I knew it was the me and I had to accept.

In accepting myself as I really am, I could come out from behind my dreary sham.

I started out with hope and tried, to let go of my ego and false pride.

I had to be humbled to admit defeat, or my life would be an endless repeat.

I started to like myself and grow.

I accepted my pain and took it slow.

I experience the inner me and love and came to believe in an ALL POWERFUL GOD.

Life has been revealed to me.....and all these gifts of life are free.

In looking at myself I saw all my faults exposed and raw.

I could not hide or run away and say "I ll look another day"

The time had come for me to see, the inside of the outside me.

No ones perfect I would say.

When I was at fault I ran away and others blamed to rid myself of the guilt and  inadequacies that I had.

I had to seek to find the truth for long since had I lost my use.

In seeking I had to look inside and rid my heart of all false pride.

What had I done to feel so bad. I had lived a lie and felt so sad.

There was very little of the real me.

People accepted an act that they could see.

I had to find out who I was. 

I must be accepted for myself, because....If I m accepted when I m only a lie.

Then no one will know me and that real me will die.

So I searched and searched until I found, the real me behind the dreary sham.

I was afraid of the me I saw inside.

But from the truth revealed I could not hide.

I was an insecure, lonely, lost little child.

I was angry, rejected, meek and mild.

I was unlovable no, deprived, misunderstood and bad.

I felt exposed, alienated, confused and so sad.

There was nothing I liked in me that I met but I knew it was the me and I had to accept.

In accepting myself as I really am, I could come out from behind my dreary sham.

I started out with hope and

tried, to let go of my ego and false pride.

I had to be humbled to admit defeat, or my life would be an endless repeat.

I started to like myself and grow.

I accepted my pain and took it slow.

I experience the inner me and

love and came to believe in 

an ALL POWERFUL GOD.

GIFTS OF LIFE

Life has been revealed to me and all these gifts of life are free. In looking at myself I saw,

All my faults exposed and raw.

I could not hide or run away and say I ll look another day.

The time had come for me to see the inside of the outside me.

No ones perfect I can say, 

but when I m at fault I run away

And others blame to rid myself of guilt and inadequacies that I have.

I had to seek to find the truth, for long since had I lost my use.

In seeking I must look inside and rid myself of all false pride.

What had I done to feel so bad.

I had lived a lie and felt so sad.

There was very little of the real me. People accepted an act that they could see.

I had to find out who I was. I had to accept myself, because

If I am accepted when I m really a lie. Then no one will know me and the real me will die.  

So I searched and searched until I found the real me behind my dreary sham. I was afraid of the real me I found inside. But from the truth I could not hide. I am insecure, sensitive lost little child. I was angry, rejected, meek and mild. I felt unlovable, deprived, misunderstood and bad.

I was exposed and vulnerable, confused and sad. 

There was nothing I liked in the person I met. But I knew it was me and I had to accept.

In accepting myself as I really am.

I could come out from behind my dreary sham. I started out with HOPE and tried to let go of my ego and false pride. I had to be humbled and admit DEFEAT or my life would be an endless repeat.

I started to like myself and grow. I accepted the pain and took it slow. I experienced the inner me and cried. The new me poured in and the old me died. Then I knew that God loved me just as I am. My tears of sorrow poured out of the dam. I was freed and  unshackled from my past and warmed by the sunlight of Spirit at last.

My new life unfolded as I was freed from the wreckage of my past and my dead eyes were now alive with inner light.

LIFE. GOD. NATURE.

Have you ever tried to catch the wind or counted the leaves upon the bough?

Have you ever stopped a rainbow falling or sat upon the softest cloud?

Have you ever kept that perfect moment, that’s made life full of every thing?

Have you ever caught the rays of sun light, that dance and jump right through your window pain.

Have you ever found the pot of gold, that awaits us at the rainbows end?

Have you ever sailed into sunset or had a broken heart you could not mend?

Have you ever found a silver lining or given love freely without demand? 

Have you ever kissed the golden dew upon the morning?

Or thanked God for life upon His land.

Poem from EARLY SOBRIETY

From my self made prison I’ve escaped to live my life no more in chains.

No bonds I hold in past regret.

Today is where I am.

My anger released and I can breath the air free from distain.

I had to suffer to find out, inner happiness comes from pain.

I could see what I had do but did not know the road.

Each time I started down the track. I was afraid to go.

I did not have the strength to stand and fight for the what is real. Instead I hid and nearly  lost forever how to feel.

I took the risk and knew at once there  was no turning back

To free myself I must go on to find my inner self.

Each time I fell, no one was there to pull me up again.

I had to go on and exert my faith, endure and accept my pain.

I was confused and felt abused but the choice was mine alone.

To go back would be worse than death. To go on I knew I’d grown.

Fearless Fate

Who are you or I to say what part in life we have to play.

But truth is what we all must seek for to find truth is to strengthen strong or weak.

Why fearless fate did our God take to mold us into different makes.

We’ve only partly opened the door to the dawn, of what we re about and where we are from.

Time goes by testing us as it were for better things that may occur, but fate may ever stay within, so that yesterdays mistakes will tomorrow us stir.