Awakenings

The eyes are the windows of the soul. When I first came to AA my eyes were like dead fish eyes but what happened after some months when I looked into the mirror, my eyes were alive and full of light. They looked as if they had been polished. I started to FEEL ALIVE and clear for the first time in years. Born again into great hope of a new life, free from the ravages of alcohol.. The truth of knowing and admitting I am an alcoholic and asking for help released me from the inside out. The truth is food for the soul and the light of the soul is seen through the eyes. Now I see from within out and through myself can see into others.

Them

2nd year of change in attitude and outlook upon life. I was given to realize things are not what they seem to be but my idea of what I d imagined they were.  I had grown to see the world and people  through my resentment and bitterness, blaming God, circumstances and others for my drinking and troubled life.

"Two men looked out of prison bars...one saw mud and the other saw stars." I was being  transformed to see the truth, not through the bottom of a bottle. I was amazed at how wrong I had been.

Rock Bottom

Devasted at coming to the end of the struggle against facing the truth.... that I am an alcoholic suffering from the delusion I m not. That I d been misunderstood, suffered bad luck and difficult circumstances woke me up and I could see I d been asleep going through the same things over and over in a fog, expecting this time it would be different but it just got worse. Suddenly being faced with the truth my whole life collapsed and then things started to fall into place and more so more when I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, identified with the stories of others and could see, through the 12 Steps, a way out for me. This new life of abstinence from alcohol gave me another chance to make good and live again. I just had to follow the plan of recovery, find a power greater than myself and carry the message of recovery to others who were still suffering. I was ignited with hope and knew I was in the right place. I have not had a drink since and that was 47 years ago. What a miracle.

Insights in my early life.

Life does not hold the answers.

I have found I hold the answers to life.I had to look within to find truth. I realized I would not find it outside of myself. I could not fill the emptiness from the outside in but from the inside out. Truth is the answer to who I am, what I m here for and the purose of my life. Personal self honesty has brought respect, love of myself and others and integrity, previously unknown  to me. The vale was lifted and  my view of me, you and life was transformed and I was set free. 

UNDERSTANDING SUFFERING

I discovered I am only able to understand the suffering and joy of others when I  understand my own. 

There can be no joy without pain and no pain  without joy. Without one we can not know or benefit from the other. Life

Is experience by which we learn and grow towards maturity and character or we stagnate and die in selfcentredness and self pity. Change is growth and I am growing more each day as I put the AA plan of recovery into action and more is revealed. 

Pain and risk

If I have a splinter in my finger and am afraid of the pain of pulling it out. Then it will fester and I will have more pain, more fear and no matter how hard I try to forget it, the pain will not go away. I will just get worse.

But if I take the risk and take the splinter out the pain will be experienced and gone, the relief will be great and I will feel good for having faced my fear.

So it is with life - I must act, not re - act and struggle against the pain. 

Not to take risks, is not living.

Insight Before Recovery

To have in this life something of value, all men must stand alone and look to themselves.

Their own experiences and non experiences - in comparison to others experiences and non experiences.

Whether one has much or little to give, whether one is rich or poor. 

LOVE is something we all need for human survival.

Wake Up

Now I have been released from the grip alcohol had me in. Awake and aware I am only  able to understand the suffering and joy of others when I can understand my own. Without one I cannot know or benefit from the other.

Life I am now coming to see is a school where I am beginning to learn and grow to maturity or I could die in self-centeredness and self pity and fear. Change, I am seeing is growth and I am growing more each day as reviews and I put what I learn into action. Knowledge is not growth - its what I do with what I know.

Loss

From my first real experience came loss, and so it has been throughout my sobriety. Out of each realization of what the reality of me is, as opposed to what I have imagined or fancied I am. I have felt a great sense of self loss. I have mourned my passing or death and from within me. I HAVE CONTINUED TO GAIN in experience, faith, and knowledge of my limitations. I experience inner resources I never knew I had, releasing me from those people I had attached myself to and freeing myself from old ideas and encumbrances I thought were necessary to my very existence. So they were, but it was revealed to me they are not necessary to my spiritual nature.

Happy Joyous and Free

Now that the grog fog is lifting I can see more clearly how very ill I ve been, mentally, physically and spiritually I feared I would loose my soul and disappear into thin air and be lost forever...AA was my way out I could see the truth now.  My search was over. I was set free. I had come home and had found my place. A huge weight fell from me. In my drinking I had felt empty, lonely and sad. These were constant companions and I convinced myself at least I had these. It was better than having nothing. I was afraid to let go. Then it was suggested that if I wanted sobriety it was a free unmerited gift and I could  be happy if I truly wanted to be. Happy, joyous and free with out booze. The miraculous! Could this be possible...yes.

Realizations

Love was shown me at my first AA meeting. I was warmly welcomed and reached out to. These new friends seemed to know and understand me. How powerful that was and filled me with new hope.  Denial was a trap I d been caught in. (No, I havn t been drinking. I m only going to have a couple. I definitely havnt got a problem.)

Denying the truth makes for more conflict when deep down I knew I was lying and cheating myself. A deflation of my ego for a .speck of humility. (Oh Lord, the gift to have given us, to see ourselves as others see us - from many a blunder this would free us. I saw that my sobriety was now my responsibility.  I had to develop the inherrent good in me, ask and let God help me and practice step 2, being restored to sanity to replace my denial and free me from the alcoholic trap.

Feelings.......

I thought were unacceptable.

Feelings are emotional, they come and go.

Feelings of guilt that I fear will show.

Feelings of doubt that hurt so much.

Feelings that are just too tender to touch.

Feelings about me that I cannot share

Feelings I think I just cannot bare.

Feelings of fear that you wont accept.

Feelings of rejection I always expect.

Feelings of hurt that I have to suppress,

Feelings of care that I must not express.

Feelings of strain because I can t be.

Feelings of anger I don t want to see.

Feelings of desperation and hopes that won t last. 

Feelings of the present be- coming the past.

Fearing of wasting today for todays all I have,

Feelings of futility because I feel sad.

Feelings of not giving as much as I could, 

Feelings of anguish in knowing I should.

Feelings of resentment because I can t be,

Feelings of self hate and misery.

Feelings of frustration in not knowing what to do.

Feelings of loneliness and helplessness and too.

Feelings of loss and grief that is real.

Feelings so painful I don t want to feel.

Feelings of wanting to scream and to shout.

Feelings of not knowing what life’s all about.

Feelings of so much I stuff down inside,

Feelings so scary all my feelings I hide.

Feelings that make me so venerable and blue, 

Feelings too risky to acknowledge as true.

Feelings I dare not expose as real,

Feelings I deny because its too painful to feel.

THE PROCESS OF GRIEF AND LOSS AND ITS PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.

These are the feelings and thoughts that I experienced in this adjustment period. Numbness...denial, shock. Head full of cotton wool(or like pea soup) confused and dis- oriented.

Lack of focus or concentration. Loss of the familiar. Insecure and afraid. Bewilderment, anger, hurt, sadness, stunned. Vulnerable and exposed like a tortoise without its shell of protection, defenseless. Alone, at a loss and facing my own loneliness and mortality. Isolation, like a ship without a rudder and having no anchor, drifting, not know where I was or where I was going or who to turn to who would understand. Isolation. I needed to reach out, contact an AA member or someone. Self pity engulfed me. I needed to go to a meeting. Fear told me to stay home. I couldn't t make a decision.

Whats happening. The bottom has fallen out of my life and its turned upside down. I felt totally abandoned by God and man and felt like I was loosing my mind, coming undone, scattered and unstable and scared. Later I saw that God was with me and saw me through the darkest night of the soul, where suicide and pills were not the answer either.

Thoughts of being a failure and loosing control brought me to my knees and closer to my HP or God as I understand Him and I so needed God,  my friend to help and comfort me.

I knew down deep in my soul I could never drink again or find solace from the bottle. That was over. I had lost my life and through my grief I was given a new life and the 12steps of AA and their principles would heal me and bear fruit that would make me whole.

Grief takes as long as it takes. Until I came to accept my losses and myself I could not change or go forward.

God graced me with new knowledge, understanding and truth that set me free from the false and through my weakness strength, hopelessness, hope and out of the wreckage of my past a new life emerged where am now useful and have meaning and purpose in my life and can carry the messsge of recovery that  I have experienced  to others that they too can have freedom from the ravages and demoralization of alcoholism and be made whole. I was told when I first went to Alcoholics Anonymous that in exchange for the bottle, I would be given the keys to the Kingdom.

Keep checking in. More to come soon